Mind changing

Patient Information Leaflet (Extracts)

Moratazine 10mg, 20mg and 40mg Tablets

What you should know about Moratazine Tablets

Please read this leaflet carefully, but not too carefully, before you start taking your medicine. (Side-effects are possible, not only from the medicine, but also from reading the leaflet too thoroughly.) This leaflet provides a summary of what we know or may possibly know with varying degrees of uncertainty, conjecture and precautionary legal advice about your medicine. If you have any questions or are not sure about anything, it is possibly a good idea to make an appointment some weeks in advance to ask your doctor about what you might have done at the time you had the question, or to talk to a pharmacist to ensure you are told again what it says on this leaflet to absolve them of any further responsibility in the matter.

Uses

Moratazine Tablets are used to treat major episodes of unipolar depression, cyclothymia, encephalophatic dopamine dysfunction, situational depression, seasonal affective disorder, and depressive anxiety syndrome. They may perhaps also help with anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder, chronic or acute anxiety-related stress disorder, work-related serotonin depletion syndrome and neurasthenic lacrimal dysfunction. If you have never suffered from any of the above, you should certainly see your doctor.

Taking your medicine

As with all medicines Moratazine Tablets may cause some unwanted side-effects in some people. They are usually mild and do not last long, or at least are unreported, uncollected and inadmissible, since side effects after discontinuation may be considered to be side effects of discontinuation. The more common side-effects which may occur include: drowsiness, insomnia (difficulty sleeping), difficulty breathing, agitation or nervousness, sweatiness to the point of sheet wetting, headache, tremor, formication (the sense of ants crawling across your body), dizziness, palpitations, metapalpitations (palpitations of increasing irregularity), euphoric sexual hallucinations, impotence and problems with erection and ejaculation, skin like velvet, nausea (feeling sick), vomiting (being sick), gagging (not quite being sick), dry mouth, thin white panties, constipation or diarrhoea, carrots in the sick, blurred vision or difficulty focussing, dabbing mouth with tissues after sick, waking up with blurred vision in wet sheets, weakness, needing to lie down (on wet sheets this is not recommended), increased saliva production, verbal dizziness, tiredness and anxiety.

Common side-effects include: forgetfulness, difficulty focussing on carrots in diarrhoea, ants in your thin white panties, painful periods in women, less painful periods for men, tingling, rubbing, thrusting, indigestion, migraine headaches, forgetfulness, difficulty passing water, even where there is a handrail, skin rashes with or without itching, delicious juicy velvety mammaries, apathy, sympathy, confusion, pins and needles, kebab skewers, awls, chisels, drill bits, and any other sharp object, stomach upset including pain or increased wind, passing water frequently, rapid heart beat, retching (being sick in a diagonal movement), changes in weight, symptom invention, just trying to get a rise out of your doctor to get the fucking medical establishment back just a little, a little, for all the dicking about, delays in referral, lack of interest, first-year postgrads fiddling with their notes, runny noses, sinusitis, skipping while reading, slow heart beat, abnormal dreams, nipple rings, Gillian McKeith, heaving (being sick in a vertical movement), upchucking (being sick in such a way as to cover a beloved object – including a beloved person), altered taste sensations, spewing (being sick in a radius of at least 90 degrees), suicidal thoughts, aversion to food, moralising.

Uncommon side-effects include: increased sex drive, jerky movements and fits, fucking in heaven, fat boy slim is fucking in heaven, altered liver function in laboratory tests, analysis of vomit, excessive cheerfulness, excessive cynicism, herbal remedies and resultant relapse, ringing or noises in the ears, disregarding telephone calls, forgetting appointments, being punished for forgetting appointments by starting from square one with re-referral by your GP (taking an additional six months), muscle pains, fainting, throwing up (being sick in such a way as to leave carrots on a wall or other vertical surface), egesting (being sick in polite company), puking (being sick noisily in a public place), hurling (being sick whilst watching obscure sports) or a general feeling of being unwell. Inevitably, by this stage, yawning.

Allergic reactions have been reported uncommonly and these may include skin rashes caused by exposure to sunlight or to women in the park, swelling of the face, mouth or lips, unexpected bulges, collagen, implants, shortness of breath, collapse, or loss of savings to alternative therapists; if any of these serious events occur, seek the advice of a medical professional, or an alternative alternative therapist.

Another rare side-effect is known as the serotonin syndrome. You’ll be glad you read this far. This is a serious condition that causes agitation, tremor and shaking, muscle spasm and abnormally jerky movements, confusion and fever. The condition may progress to seizures/fits and coma or loss of consciousness. No, really. If you’re not anxious enough by now, repeat to yourself the highly effective mantra ‘bright, red, bubbly blood,’ or ‘angry ferret scrabbling in the anal canal’ or ‘first insertion of the knife into healthy breast tissue on one of those late night Channel Four programmes’. One of these ought to do the trick. In some cases, especially that of serotonin syndrome, the frisson of self-diagnosis may be quite overwhelming.

Other side effects which have been reported include: outstaying one’s welcome, hearing voices in the next room, depersonalisation (a state of unreality where you feel detached from yourself and your surroundings), production of breast milk (in women or men), production of creative writing exercises (in men or women), painful joints, relaxing joints in the privacy of ones own home, impersonalisation (doing other people’s voices), swelling of the eyes, dispersonalisation (getting people to go home early by dominating the conversation), difficulty concentrating, England football matches, expertsonalisation (claiming to know a great deal about a subject based on the ‘For Beginners’ series), Pringles, Doritos, or an utterly false sense of even the most minimal wellbeing.

If you experience any of the above serious or rare effects you should stop taking Moratazine immediately, or up the dose and carry on taking it in the hope of dispelling the side-effects. Alternatively, you could switch to another medicine in the same family of Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs), which may potentially furnish you with enough additional side-effects to keep you going for a few more weeks or months. Even if you discontinue medication, you and your doctors should do nothing which inhibits the re-uptake of SSRIs on a personal or planetary level. Taking legal action against us is the first sign of intense paranoia resulting from a failure to take the medication as prescribed. Moratazine has been successfully trialled for this very serious condition, with minimal side-effects.